And It All Came Crashing Down

The image of Mother Earth with a huge dagger stuck through her middle and ripping her open races through my mind.

I have just had one of the most emotionally intense 24 hours I can remember.

After my work at the orphanage, I bought 24 pink and white colored roses for Ana and hopped onto the bus to Cuentepec. I was tired, a bit dillusional. In and out of sleep. It began to rain. I covered myself with my raincoat. It began to pour. It was hard for the bus driver to see in front of him. We made our way in the overcrowed bus, filled with exhausted workers, slowly, very slowly. Through the tear drops of water pounding overhead and through the newly green and chocolate colored earth, ready to be planted and produce for the season. Into the clear air, surrounded by exhausted workers. Making the journey to be able to put food into their children’s mouth. To feed their families and offer them shelter.

The bus finally creeped its way to Cuentepec. It was downpouring. I descened the bus, and although had a hood over my head, was dripping wet within 30 seconds. I made my way down the cobbled stoned road to Dany’s house. The road was already flooding, and I felt like I was walking through a running creek. People watching from their windows and front doors. Watching me trudge towards Dany’s house, dripping wet, carrying my weight and sadness and anger and resentment and loneliness along with me. I knocked on the door. It was immediately opened and I was hugged deeply by one of Dany’s sisters. I was dripping wet. Get inside, change your clothes! I was ordered immediately. I was hustled into Dany’s room, and thrown three different pairs of pants to try on to change into. None of them fit, so Dany decided to rip open a pair of her own that she had taken in and re-sew them for me. Just like that, as if it were nothing, and before I knew it, I had a dry pair of pants to put on my soaking body. Through this whole process, I was standing in my underwear, and Dany’s cousins, nieces, nephews, sisters, mom, and dad were coming in and out of the bedroom, trying to escape from the falling goblets of rain. I was then hurried into the kitchen. Was sat down and given a warm piece of chicken soaked in the deepest red salsa I have ever seen, and wrapped in potatoes, epazote, and nopales. There were two fires set up on the kitchen floor as stoves. One held a huge comal and the other a giant clay pot for the mole. The kitchen was a mess, strewn with food, pots, plastic plates, and food already eaten. I ate in silence, with a feeling that tears were going to begin to flood to my eyes. Dany noticed it first, of course. She gave me a large hug and we shared tears together. But before we could let any more go, it was time to cut the cake. I was encouraged to stand by Ana. I was touched. The tears began to flow again. They were unstoppable. Crying, laughing, trying to keep calm and collected in the rush of all of the other guests. I sat down next to Lourdes. She looked at me deep into the eyes, and thanked me for who I was as a person. That her family has never connected with an American, and that I am loved by all of them. If only there were more people in the world like you, she tells me, the world would be a better place. She sees through. I couldn’t let go of her. She is a bigger woman, and it felt comforting to hold on. I have never had someone thank me so sincerely for who I am as a person.

What happened next is a bit of a blur. Ana began to push her boyfriend around. She didn’t want him to go. He left her for the evening, and she pushed away her feelings by opening a bottle of tequila. I drank very little, as I did not want my feelings and emotions to be erased, covered up, or carried away by the alcohol. The rest of the girls did otherwise, however. Down went the tequila, and Ana felt it first. Although it was pouring rain outside, we went across the street to the neighbor’s house, who had a live band. We started the party, four of us girls, began to dance in the pouring rain and mud soaked ground. It was a release, it felt wonderful, the mud on my feet and the rain on my face. But then dynamics began to change. I couldn’t really tell who wanted what, but before we knew it Ana got sick. We took her back to her room and she began to froth at the mouth and vomit. Dany took her under her care and arms. The girls were hiding it from their mom. Dany encouraged us to keep dancing, so that her parents would go with us and not know about Ana’s condition. So outside into the rain we went again, dancing to distract and hide reality, more than anything. I couldn’t’ enjoy thinking of Dany and Ana back in the house. And there was a boy waiting outside for Dany. I couldn’t dance knowing about Dany and Ana. I headed back into the house. I don’t know how we all ended up in the bathroom, but all of the sudden, Dany, Angelica, and I were in the bathroom, and I began to bawl. I have never had anyone hold onto me so tight. Dany held me in her arms and I became uncontrollable. Bawling, screaming, whining. She was encouraging it the whole time. Ya, sacalo. Puedes llorar aqui. Gritalo. Gritalo. Sacalo. Suddenly Angelica was bawling at our side as well. We were all bawling and holding eachother so that we wouldn’t fall onto the floor. Bawling in a small square room made of cement, used for showering. Dany’s mom and boyfriend came over, Dany left with him, and Angelica began to talk nonsense to me. I wanted to sleep, she wanted to dance. Was telling me that if we didn’t go and dance, her parents would be worried that we weren’t okay, and how it is important that we go and have fun. I left to dance with her in the rain again, but couldn’t enjoy my time like before. I felt trapped. Not sure what to do. Followed and watched by Dany’s parents, who wanted to make sure I was okay. We continued dancing in the rain and the mud throughout the night.

I was mind tripping about theories we have been reading about, about the two epistemologies, and how I was seeing all of the intersectionalities, but my discomfort within the intersections. I was surrounded by small Nahuatl speaking mothers and grandmothers, with their traditional clothing and faces that tell more than one history, from beginning to end. We were all dancing to Norteno, Bando, Rancho music, pink streamers over our heads and a cake the size of a table to serve us all. Many of the elders were drunk. Woman were being pushed around, men crying, faces of sadness and burden surrounded me. Pain, sorrow. I am not ready to write about this yet. But slowly and surely, their lives and beliefs are being taken from them, and I have a great fear, that pains me to no end, that in another 15 years, the originality of Cuentepec will disappear before our eyes. We are loosing our old customs and traditions, and losing them quickly. It makes me sick to my body to think about it.

I couldn’t’ be there anymore, I needed to go to bed. I motioned to Angelica but she pulled me back. She wouldn’t let me go. I couldn’t’ understand it. I started screaming at her and pushing her away from me. I ran. I arrived at the house and ran to my room. Angelica began to have a tantrum. A tantrum so fierce that she fainted. She had been screaming and arguing with herself about her fear that her mom was going to be unhappy with her because she had broken up with her boyfriend. I watched from the window. I couldn’t’ understand as they were talking in Nahuatl, but here was Dany, her boyfriend, her mom, dad, Monica, and Erica, all trying to calm and hold stable Angelica. I don’t know who or why someone was finally able to calm it all down. Angelica went to bed. I tried to sleep. Dany came in the room, shivering. I fell into a light sleep, only waking up later to hear Dany’s boyfriend crying. I looked out the window, Dany was consoling him. His crying didn’t stop until I fell asleep again. Dany came into the room at 5:30 to shower and leave. The boyfriend was still there. He wanted to come in, he wanted a hug, a kiss. Dany’s running around. The mom comes in, the boyfriend hides from the dad. Dany leaves with him. I fall asleep until 9am.

I wake up to Danys dad still drunk and crying to himself in his kitchen, mumbling about how he couldn’t go to work. His wife and mother-in-law ignored him, his daughters told him to go to bed. The women began to clean the kitchen. I showered. I waited for a taxi or bus for almost an hour and cried. Watch it all around me. Analyze, sadness, reality, beauty, grief, heavy lives, drama. I saw and felt it all. I don’t know if I have ever felt or experienced so much pain, tears, screams, and grief in one night.

I arrived in Xochicalgo and began to cry. Hugged myself. Realized how lonely I feel, almost abandoned. I let the mountain heal me. I lied on the rock, sang to the wind, and breathed in beauty, forgiveness, strenth, and faith. Feeling better yet drained and filled with emotion. I have more to release. It goes back for years. It hurts but is good, and important for me.