I am tired. Exhausted, really. And it does not hit until I walk through the door when the day is over. And this is when I give thanks to the beautiful warm meal that is waiting for me. For the folded laundry that smells wonderful. My eyes hurt and my head feels heavy. I need space but haven’t figured out how to fit it into my long days. I am done with dinner by 10:30 and I have no energy left. I get into bed and crash until my alarm goes off the next morning.
The house I am now living in is changing with my presence. When I arrived they had been buying all of their tortillas. Now we make them. And the daughter, Karen, who is 14 loves it and makes herself the cutest little tortillas you have ever seen. Graciela, my host mom, still has trouble making them so she leaves it up to us. It’s cute. And she is constantly asking what I like to eat so that I can eat what I like and eat well. And because I do not eat meat, her family is taking a break from meat as well. Both she and her husband hold me that their stomachs feel lighter from not eating so much meat. Wheee! Also, they were drinking huge glasses of milk at night, and with me around, milk is changing into herbal tea. Good habits… We will probably make some granola soon too.
It is important for me to continue to reflect on my experiences at the Orphanage, so here goes…the children are in so much pain. They hurt, they are sad, they are angry, feeling lost without a place or someone to love them. They are aggressive, demanding, sassy, and abusive to one another. They hit, scream, and cry instead of using their words. And when they do begin to cry they have no one to comfort them. They are on their own.
Today I sat watching a two year old sitting on the grass, by himself, crying. And no one came to his rescue. The caretakers could have, but did not, and I realized they cannot because if they rescue one child, they have to rescue all of the others as well, and there are simply too many children and too little rescuers. I am pained inside to think of the emptiness that these children grow up with. Who will they become in the future? What are the odds that they are not abusive, addicts, or estranged and violent to and with the world? They are too young to feel and experience what they feel, but it is a reality. It gives me pain inside. I want to reach out to all of them, but they are almost already out of control. And the control they are given, and control they know, comes in the shape and form of aggressiveness. They are spoken to and taken care of aggressively. They only listen when the command becomes a threat. Again, I don’t mean to be generalizing or assuming, but this is what I have seen (in two days, that is). And maybe my perspective will change.
But it is not easy. Not enough staff, not enough money, not enough healing, caring, and compassionate programs. I want to reach out, to learn how to create true healing communities for children who are lonely and sick in the world, like the children at the conviviencia.
And it pains me even more to see how the majority of the children are a bit deformed, or have special needs. One doesn’t walk right, two are in a wheelchair, more than have have expressionless eyes, as if their souls are already lost to the world. Were they abandoned from their families because they didn’t come out “normal?” I hope not, but one can only question…it hurts and gives me pain inside…and I can only imagine their hurt and pain…..we have lot to pray for.
6/30/10
6/29/10
Here
Feeling it All
Breathing in
Breathing OUT.
Bring in pain. Release it into the winds.
Rolling. Tight. Trapped. Chest, body, spirit, soul.
Dance, movement, Expression. Eyes, body, euphoria.
I see many worlds. Mainly two. Mine and theirs. Ours and theres. Modern day reality and indigenous reality. Two worlds. Trying, fighting to combine both. Wanting, but feeling pulled.
Water, tears. Tight chest, tight face. Heavy eyes. Breathe in. Breathe OUT.
Wanting to embrace beauty, embrace the light. Seeing it in the distance. Navigating my two worlds. Los dos mundos.
Looking for outlets to release. Feeling, seeing, believing love. But for others. Trying to define it for myself.
Two worlds. Breathe it in, Breathe it OUT.
Wanting outlets to release. Breath, song, dance, movement, art, words. I see, I feel. But still feel stuck and angry?
Anger. Exists inside me but where? Why? Challenge to see, or admit? I see/feel sadness, and fear, but anger not as clearly as I would like. Rolling, up and down. Side to side. In and out. But there it stays, inside. How do I let it out? Where is my point of release? And in what form?
Feeling, seeing, being. Loving, feeling, seeing, being, LOVING, but for whom?
Love gone backwards. You, you, you, you, then me. How to switch? Me then you.
Hard. Undefined.
Process. Patience. Lessons. Life Lessons.
Grateful. So greateful. Not every day are we invited to confront los aires. So lucky.
Greatful to be, greatful to see, to feel, to touch, to hear. To be. To be. To be.
Wanting to embrace the world, but needing to embrace myself first. So much harder. ME. It even feels awkward to say, to feel, to write. Uncomfortable. Because we are taught not to? I am not sure.
Learning. Embracing, wanting, seeing
Two worlds around me. Trying to find balance between the two. Where do I belong? Where do we belong?
Questioning, reflecting, questioning, thinking. Every day. Seeing, watching, learning, loving, being.
So far yet so close. How far is my soul? Dónde está mi alma? Estoy lista?
Breathing in
Breathing OUT.
Bring in pain. Release it into the winds.
Rolling. Tight. Trapped. Chest, body, spirit, soul.
Dance, movement, Expression. Eyes, body, euphoria.
I see many worlds. Mainly two. Mine and theirs. Ours and theres. Modern day reality and indigenous reality. Two worlds. Trying, fighting to combine both. Wanting, but feeling pulled.
Water, tears. Tight chest, tight face. Heavy eyes. Breathe in. Breathe OUT.
Wanting to embrace beauty, embrace the light. Seeing it in the distance. Navigating my two worlds. Los dos mundos.
Looking for outlets to release. Feeling, seeing, believing love. But for others. Trying to define it for myself.
Two worlds. Breathe it in, Breathe it OUT.
Wanting outlets to release. Breath, song, dance, movement, art, words. I see, I feel. But still feel stuck and angry?
Anger. Exists inside me but where? Why? Challenge to see, or admit? I see/feel sadness, and fear, but anger not as clearly as I would like. Rolling, up and down. Side to side. In and out. But there it stays, inside. How do I let it out? Where is my point of release? And in what form?
Feeling, seeing, being. Loving, feeling, seeing, being, LOVING, but for whom?
Love gone backwards. You, you, you, you, then me. How to switch? Me then you.
Hard. Undefined.
Process. Patience. Lessons. Life Lessons.
Grateful. So greateful. Not every day are we invited to confront los aires. So lucky.
Greatful to be, greatful to see, to feel, to touch, to hear. To be. To be. To be.
Wanting to embrace the world, but needing to embrace myself first. So much harder. ME. It even feels awkward to say, to feel, to write. Uncomfortable. Because we are taught not to? I am not sure.
Learning. Embracing, wanting, seeing
Two worlds around me. Trying to find balance between the two. Where do I belong? Where do we belong?
Questioning, reflecting, questioning, thinking. Every day. Seeing, watching, learning, loving, being.
So far yet so close. How far is my soul? Dónde está mi alma? Estoy lista?
6/28/10
I Cried
I cried. First I thought it was simply a release of my day at the orphanage, but as tears began to fall I realized it was because I was no longer going to be living with Dany either. We fell into each other’s arms crying, and my tears did not stop until I walked into the front door of my new house. Crazy. I feel like I just moved to another location completely. Although I am only a few blocks from Estela’s house, my social environment is completely different. I have a mom who will bend over backwards for me, a little sister who is obsessed with TV and Hannah Montana, and a dad that works hard as a school teacher to support his family. Their home is beautiful – they built it fifteen years ago and have artisan furniture and pieces from Jalisco all over. I have a giant king sized bed and outside of my room is a huge beautiful balcony. Feels weird to be treated like a guest. I have become so accustomed to my life at Estela’s. I feel like I am on vacation or something. The bathroom is HUGE. I showered in hot water for the first time in MONTHS. Felt nice. Such a luxury though. So are many things….
We eat a dinner of jugo de papaya, tortas de platano, frijoles, and tortillas. Afterwards everyone drank their glass of milk with pan dulce. Felt silly, really. This is definitely a hard working, yet upper middle class Mexican family. Will be a completely different experience from Estela’s. And although it was hard to leave Dany, I think this experience will be fulfilling for me. In many ways….
Back to the orphanage….I realized I have never been to an orphanage. We walked inside and I was shocked. Wow. I thought, this is beautiful, like a forest. There were huge trees surrounding the grounds, beautiful murals of animals in nature, clean looking buildings, and a huge playground with space to play AND a stadium for basketball with bleachers.
We were all excited to see and begin working with the children. We began in groups, we had a group playing soccer, a group dancing, doing art projects, and yoga. After about 30 minutes the groups seemed to disappear, and the children began to do their own thing and demand attention from us. Their demands ripped me apart. These children have no one to love them, I thought to myself. No parents, no home. This was their home, and as beautiful at it was, I could see and feel that the children were very much incomplete. As if their souls were very far away. Lost, needing love and everything more. It was so sad. So sad. So draining to be with them. And one of the harder parts about it was that many of them had disabilities, as if their parents didn’t want them because of this.
I began to think of all of the children in the world who are abused, or left without parents or anyone to give them food, shelter, or love. The millions of children. And they are going to grow up to….be filled with hate, anger, aggression, and who knows what else. Makes me feel sick. And worried. I just want to give them love and a sense of belonging. Such hard work. Where do we begin????
We eat a dinner of jugo de papaya, tortas de platano, frijoles, and tortillas. Afterwards everyone drank their glass of milk with pan dulce. Felt silly, really. This is definitely a hard working, yet upper middle class Mexican family. Will be a completely different experience from Estela’s. And although it was hard to leave Dany, I think this experience will be fulfilling for me. In many ways….
Back to the orphanage….I realized I have never been to an orphanage. We walked inside and I was shocked. Wow. I thought, this is beautiful, like a forest. There were huge trees surrounding the grounds, beautiful murals of animals in nature, clean looking buildings, and a huge playground with space to play AND a stadium for basketball with bleachers.
We were all excited to see and begin working with the children. We began in groups, we had a group playing soccer, a group dancing, doing art projects, and yoga. After about 30 minutes the groups seemed to disappear, and the children began to do their own thing and demand attention from us. Their demands ripped me apart. These children have no one to love them, I thought to myself. No parents, no home. This was their home, and as beautiful at it was, I could see and feel that the children were very much incomplete. As if their souls were very far away. Lost, needing love and everything more. It was so sad. So sad. So draining to be with them. And one of the harder parts about it was that many of them had disabilities, as if their parents didn’t want them because of this.
I began to think of all of the children in the world who are abused, or left without parents or anyone to give them food, shelter, or love. The millions of children. And they are going to grow up to….be filled with hate, anger, aggression, and who knows what else. Makes me feel sick. And worried. I just want to give them love and a sense of belonging. Such hard work. Where do we begin????
6/23/10
Ross Gandy
Professor Ross Gandy came to visit us today. He is from Texas, but has lived here in Mexico for the last fifteen plus years. He is married to a Mexican woman and is now actually blacklisted from the U.S. (From his teaching years in the Reagan era). He gave us quite the talk - a socio-political-economical history of Mexico from the Mexican Revolution until present day in the 21st century. He began with a story, and his story turned into a whole history that explained very clearly the present conditions, socially, politically, and economically, in Mexico today.
His story began with Pancho Villa and Emiliano Zapata, who were the main characters of the Mexican Revolution. The revolution ended in 1920, and so began land reform in Mexico. In 1940, Lázaro Cárdenas became president of Mexico (yes I am skipping through some years here to get to the point) and his presidency marked a great change in Mexico. He was loved by the people, and known as the sphinx, for instead of talking like most politicians today, he did things. He made change and worked with the people. Amongst many things, he opened 34 rural teaching training schools so that la gente indigena could relate with rising and about to be industrialized country. 1940 until 2000 marks an age of industrialization in Mexico. Agri-business began to flow in, and those in power began to want to mirror their country like the all-mighty country above them, the United States of America. In 1942, after WWII, Chrystler, General Electric, CocaCola, etc. began to flow in and lead the businesses in Mexico. 1951 the government began to offer cheap sugar subsidies so that CocaCola, for example could continue to offer its service to the people. From 1980 until today, free trade, market, and enterprise is alive and well between Mexico and outside countries. The 20th Century until today have been called the "marginalizing" decades. Lovely, isn't it?
The story continues...
10% of the people in Mexico are super rich. ALL power and priorities are in these hands. 10%.
20% of the people in Mexico are middle class professionals.
70% are peasant workers.
There are 100,000,000 people living in Mexico.
The super rich and middle class professionals are concerned with buying a car, toilet paper, kleenex, canned goods, coke, detergent, and washing machines.
The peasant workers with public transport, food, toilets, textbooks, school, health, water, housing, and jobs.
It is almost impossible to get to and from work in Mexico City. The factories are on the west side and the housing on the eastside. At least two and a half hours each way. Mexico City is one of the most polluted cities in the world. In fact, there is so much lead in the air that families are advised to move their children out of the city. It is no longer safe for children to breathe the air.
Toilet paper costs about 3 pesos a roll. There are more forms of toilet paper produced in Mexico City than all of the world. Only 30% of Mexico has access to this paper. The rest is exported to the rest of the world. Toilet paper is a luxury. The other 70% of Mexico is not worried about whether or not they have toilet paper, but toilets. 4 million people in Mexico live without a toilet and Mexico produces 50,000 tons of shit daily. Toilet paper versus toilets versus shit. Let's think about this for a minute...
Water. 1/2 of the water in Mexico is polluted. Coke is cheaper to buy than water. Therefore, people drink coke to hydrate themselves. Every one in three people in Mexico now has diabetes. It is now the leading cause of death in Mexico.
Text books. Although Mexico is one of the leading producers of paper, and although textbooks in the U.S., which are probably manufactured in Mexico, are free in the U.S., they are quite costly in Mexico. Textbooks are not free, and families can barely afford them. The daily minimum wage in Mexico is $57 pesos a day. This is a little bit less than five dollars. To put this all into perspective a bit more, on average, 6.5 people live in one room. 6.5 people to a room.
1/2 of electricity is free in Mexico. People have no water, no housing, no toilets, underdeveloped schools, no jobs, but they have electricity. Why? Because the government wants the people to have access to TELEVISION. There is 1 TV per family in Mexico. 4% of Mexicans will ever buy a book and 1.5% read any type of newspaper at all.
Iowa now produces 3 times more corn than Mexico and 30% of Mexico now cultivates poppies and marijuana because free trade policies have taken away their production such as corn. Their income now depends on the Narco-economy.
40% of the population evades paying their taxes. It is as much as a crime in Mexico as running a red light. No biggie. Sales tax is now up to 16%. There is no money going to the people. It all rests in the hands of those who control the T.V. Oh, did I say that the TV company, which everyone has access to through their televisions, heavily sensors what is put on television? Are you beginning to connect the dots?
None of this is easy, or pleasant to hear, but it is a reality, and a wake up call for us to begin to realize the effects of industrialization, globalization, and the disparity gap between rich and poor. Also for us to begin to see how the poor are ripped to pieces while the rich continue to live in luxury. Let's begin to wake up. I invite you all.
His story began with Pancho Villa and Emiliano Zapata, who were the main characters of the Mexican Revolution. The revolution ended in 1920, and so began land reform in Mexico. In 1940, Lázaro Cárdenas became president of Mexico (yes I am skipping through some years here to get to the point) and his presidency marked a great change in Mexico. He was loved by the people, and known as the sphinx, for instead of talking like most politicians today, he did things. He made change and worked with the people. Amongst many things, he opened 34 rural teaching training schools so that la gente indigena could relate with rising and about to be industrialized country. 1940 until 2000 marks an age of industrialization in Mexico. Agri-business began to flow in, and those in power began to want to mirror their country like the all-mighty country above them, the United States of America. In 1942, after WWII, Chrystler, General Electric, CocaCola, etc. began to flow in and lead the businesses in Mexico. 1951 the government began to offer cheap sugar subsidies so that CocaCola, for example could continue to offer its service to the people. From 1980 until today, free trade, market, and enterprise is alive and well between Mexico and outside countries. The 20th Century until today have been called the "marginalizing" decades. Lovely, isn't it?
The story continues...
10% of the people in Mexico are super rich. ALL power and priorities are in these hands. 10%.
20% of the people in Mexico are middle class professionals.
70% are peasant workers.
There are 100,000,000 people living in Mexico.
The super rich and middle class professionals are concerned with buying a car, toilet paper, kleenex, canned goods, coke, detergent, and washing machines.
The peasant workers with public transport, food, toilets, textbooks, school, health, water, housing, and jobs.
It is almost impossible to get to and from work in Mexico City. The factories are on the west side and the housing on the eastside. At least two and a half hours each way. Mexico City is one of the most polluted cities in the world. In fact, there is so much lead in the air that families are advised to move their children out of the city. It is no longer safe for children to breathe the air.
Toilet paper costs about 3 pesos a roll. There are more forms of toilet paper produced in Mexico City than all of the world. Only 30% of Mexico has access to this paper. The rest is exported to the rest of the world. Toilet paper is a luxury. The other 70% of Mexico is not worried about whether or not they have toilet paper, but toilets. 4 million people in Mexico live without a toilet and Mexico produces 50,000 tons of shit daily. Toilet paper versus toilets versus shit. Let's think about this for a minute...
Water. 1/2 of the water in Mexico is polluted. Coke is cheaper to buy than water. Therefore, people drink coke to hydrate themselves. Every one in three people in Mexico now has diabetes. It is now the leading cause of death in Mexico.
Text books. Although Mexico is one of the leading producers of paper, and although textbooks in the U.S., which are probably manufactured in Mexico, are free in the U.S., they are quite costly in Mexico. Textbooks are not free, and families can barely afford them. The daily minimum wage in Mexico is $57 pesos a day. This is a little bit less than five dollars. To put this all into perspective a bit more, on average, 6.5 people live in one room. 6.5 people to a room.
1/2 of electricity is free in Mexico. People have no water, no housing, no toilets, underdeveloped schools, no jobs, but they have electricity. Why? Because the government wants the people to have access to TELEVISION. There is 1 TV per family in Mexico. 4% of Mexicans will ever buy a book and 1.5% read any type of newspaper at all.
Iowa now produces 3 times more corn than Mexico and 30% of Mexico now cultivates poppies and marijuana because free trade policies have taken away their production such as corn. Their income now depends on the Narco-economy.
40% of the population evades paying their taxes. It is as much as a crime in Mexico as running a red light. No biggie. Sales tax is now up to 16%. There is no money going to the people. It all rests in the hands of those who control the T.V. Oh, did I say that the TV company, which everyone has access to through their televisions, heavily sensors what is put on television? Are you beginning to connect the dots?
None of this is easy, or pleasant to hear, but it is a reality, and a wake up call for us to begin to realize the effects of industrialization, globalization, and the disparity gap between rich and poor. Also for us to begin to see how the poor are ripped to pieces while the rich continue to live in luxury. Let's begin to wake up. I invite you all.
6/19/10
Running, Borders, and Cockroaches
Running.
Preparing.
Nothing is ever right, but oh well!
The more the merrier.
Cockroaches. Lots of them. Papers. Piles.
Mud, Dust, Dirt.
Cleaning.
Dusting.
Mopping.
mamamamamamamamrahahahahahahahah
I hear.
I laugh inside.
You should do.
I always do....
Don´t get it.
Ha.
Actually, I think I do.
Borders. I = white attraction. Go as I Please.
Danny = quiet native. Not allowed. Dark skinned, can´t pass.
Borders. Colors. Assumptions. Social Norms.
I laugh. Not about this, about other things.
It is really interesting what people say, and then what they actually do.
Learning, growing tougher.
Laugh instead of cry.
Its good.
Pretty ridiculous, but good.
So much more to write about but now I am exhausted.
Yesterday slept three hours to go to the market with Pepe to buy produce for his store. The market never sleeps, and people work their asses off. Literally. Never stops. Always moving. To eat. To live. To survive.
Atole and arroz con leche. Rico. Lack of sleep. Haven´t stopped. But all is well.
Tomorrow we start all over again.
Buenas.
Preparing.
Nothing is ever right, but oh well!
The more the merrier.
Cockroaches. Lots of them. Papers. Piles.
Mud, Dust, Dirt.
Cleaning.
Dusting.
Mopping.
mamamamamamamamrahahahahahahahah
I hear.
I laugh inside.
You should do.
I always do....
Don´t get it.
Ha.
Actually, I think I do.
Borders. I = white attraction. Go as I Please.
Danny = quiet native. Not allowed. Dark skinned, can´t pass.
Borders. Colors. Assumptions. Social Norms.
I laugh. Not about this, about other things.
It is really interesting what people say, and then what they actually do.
Learning, growing tougher.
Laugh instead of cry.
Its good.
Pretty ridiculous, but good.
So much more to write about but now I am exhausted.
Yesterday slept three hours to go to the market with Pepe to buy produce for his store. The market never sleeps, and people work their asses off. Literally. Never stops. Always moving. To eat. To live. To survive.
Atole and arroz con leche. Rico. Lack of sleep. Haven´t stopped. But all is well.
Tomorrow we start all over again.
Buenas.
6/14/10
A Little Bit of Everything....
AAAAH!
I miss home. I am homesick. I am frustrated. Wanting and trying to feel accomlished about my time here. Trying to clarify my role, for myself, and others. Trying to find my own voice and opinions and not let others affect me so. Realizing that as a U.S. citizen, I come from a country whose culture and values does not necessarily match the cultures and values of the country in which I am in. I see perspectives from many angles - my own, Estela´s, Dany´s, her sister´s, her mom´s, the neighbors, my parents, etc. etc. Everyone sees it all a bit differently, everyone has different expectations and opinions. Trying to find my own that is culturally appropriate and respected. So many differences....generational, educational, cultural, geographical, etc. etc.
I have been home more alone lately. Estela is out and busy and Dany has not been here. As good as it is for me to have my own space, it is much easier to feel lonely. I am spending more time with the neighbors, which is always fun, but they have their own lives too. Trying, and wanting, to piece it all together, even though I am not sure I can. Wishing I had a few more friends my age to spend time with. Especially in the evenings, etc. Every mistake is a new lesson learned. Many mistakes here. Many lessons. A lot to learn. Still learning. It is not easy to travel, but important. And not just to travel, but to immerse oneself in another community, culture, home, lifestyle, than their own. Opens our eyes, views, perspectives, passions, inspirations.....erases stereotpyes, judgements...
I am not sure if I miss home or if it is simply that I am missing something here. I think it is a bit of both, because if I was completely content here, I would not be missig home as much. I miss friends, family, company, freedom and time to hike, adventure, go to the beach, summer bbq´s, etc. Soon it will come, but first an intense month ahead of me. Trying to build my strength and energy for it all. Build my wall and focus, my intentions. Because it will all come and go and I don´t want regrets. Lessons learned are good, but regrets, no. Building myself up, my self esteem, self worth, self passion, love, etc. Estela is right, we have no clue how to love ourselves, and depend on others to give us what we think is love. WHAT IS LOVE? And what does it actually feel like to truely love oneself? I think that this is a life lesson, and maybe, just maybe, one day I will be lucky enough to find out.
It feels good to right. I have a lot to express. I have heard many stories, of neighbors, their families, and friends. Life is not easy here. These people life through sooooo many hardships, yet carry on with their every day lives. They all work so damn hard, and earn so little. Just enough to feed their families well. There is usually very little left over. Tragedies....deaths, suicides, sickness, freak accidents....these people have experienced it all, and sometimes their faces tell, but sometimes not. They carry on, with smiles in their hearts and a willingness to open their homes and share with others.
Yesterday, as I was home alone all day long, I was invited to two different households to eat. Everyone knows when Estela is around and when she is not, and we all watch out for one another.
Angelica is 21 years old and her mom is pressuring her to marry. She is not ready, but feels many social pressres. I can hardly imagine.
I am spitting out random thoughts now, but this is reality, this is truth here. If only we could all listen to others a bit more instead of being so incredibly preoccupied with our own lives. I wonder what that would look like...How, and in which ways, the world would shift. I am willing and ready to start, are you?
I miss home. I am homesick. I am frustrated. Wanting and trying to feel accomlished about my time here. Trying to clarify my role, for myself, and others. Trying to find my own voice and opinions and not let others affect me so. Realizing that as a U.S. citizen, I come from a country whose culture and values does not necessarily match the cultures and values of the country in which I am in. I see perspectives from many angles - my own, Estela´s, Dany´s, her sister´s, her mom´s, the neighbors, my parents, etc. etc. Everyone sees it all a bit differently, everyone has different expectations and opinions. Trying to find my own that is culturally appropriate and respected. So many differences....generational, educational, cultural, geographical, etc. etc.
I have been home more alone lately. Estela is out and busy and Dany has not been here. As good as it is for me to have my own space, it is much easier to feel lonely. I am spending more time with the neighbors, which is always fun, but they have their own lives too. Trying, and wanting, to piece it all together, even though I am not sure I can. Wishing I had a few more friends my age to spend time with. Especially in the evenings, etc. Every mistake is a new lesson learned. Many mistakes here. Many lessons. A lot to learn. Still learning. It is not easy to travel, but important. And not just to travel, but to immerse oneself in another community, culture, home, lifestyle, than their own. Opens our eyes, views, perspectives, passions, inspirations.....erases stereotpyes, judgements...
I am not sure if I miss home or if it is simply that I am missing something here. I think it is a bit of both, because if I was completely content here, I would not be missig home as much. I miss friends, family, company, freedom and time to hike, adventure, go to the beach, summer bbq´s, etc. Soon it will come, but first an intense month ahead of me. Trying to build my strength and energy for it all. Build my wall and focus, my intentions. Because it will all come and go and I don´t want regrets. Lessons learned are good, but regrets, no. Building myself up, my self esteem, self worth, self passion, love, etc. Estela is right, we have no clue how to love ourselves, and depend on others to give us what we think is love. WHAT IS LOVE? And what does it actually feel like to truely love oneself? I think that this is a life lesson, and maybe, just maybe, one day I will be lucky enough to find out.
It feels good to right. I have a lot to express. I have heard many stories, of neighbors, their families, and friends. Life is not easy here. These people life through sooooo many hardships, yet carry on with their every day lives. They all work so damn hard, and earn so little. Just enough to feed their families well. There is usually very little left over. Tragedies....deaths, suicides, sickness, freak accidents....these people have experienced it all, and sometimes their faces tell, but sometimes not. They carry on, with smiles in their hearts and a willingness to open their homes and share with others.
Yesterday, as I was home alone all day long, I was invited to two different households to eat. Everyone knows when Estela is around and when she is not, and we all watch out for one another.
Angelica is 21 years old and her mom is pressuring her to marry. She is not ready, but feels many social pressres. I can hardly imagine.
I am spitting out random thoughts now, but this is reality, this is truth here. If only we could all listen to others a bit more instead of being so incredibly preoccupied with our own lives. I wonder what that would look like...How, and in which ways, the world would shift. I am willing and ready to start, are you?
6/10/10
Pulque and Language
After raking the yard and sweeping the outside area, we all sat down for a pancake breakfast. Banana oatmeal pancakes with fresh fruit and maple syrup. Yuuuuummmm.
I then left with Delia to see her school. Strange to be back in a private school environment, but there I was. I will be back there for real before I know it.
Instead of going straight home, we decided to stop for pulque! Up into the mountains we went, where the temperature drops about ten degrees and the air feels cleaner and fresher. Down a little dirt road we turned, arriving at the Pulque spot. Allí estuvo el Señor, haciendo sus cosas. Nos sentamos a probar el pulque, y placticamos con el por un buen rato. (There was the owner, doing his things. We sat down together to try the pulque, and talked for a good while). I am writing this small segment in both English and Spanish to share with you a new realization of my own. What I say in Spanish doesn´t quite sound right in English, if I translate it directly, and vice a versa. I have come to a point where I don´t translate my thoughts in my head from English to Spanish so that they come out right. I simply talk from my heart, I have delved a bit deeper into the culture and language, to a point in which I do not need to think about translations anymore. What fun! And if I do think of translations, it just sounds silly in the end. For example, we were driving and the people behind us were obnoxiously impatient. I said, Ten Paciencia!!!, which means, have patience, and then laughed afterwards, realizing how silly it sounded in English. Well not silly, but I guess more proper.
I had a special moment at the Pulque spot too. There, talking with el Señor, I realized how much knowledge he held, about his country, his land, his plants, etc. And I became sad, very sad, thinking about all of the indigenous people, people of color, people who are disregarded in our society, whose knowledge, which to me, has great value, is given no value at all. To society at large, this man is a poor, dark man who works in the fields. To me, he is gold. A pot of gold filled with knowledge, history, customs, stories, etc. I only wish we could all acknowledge this gem more.
I then left with Delia to see her school. Strange to be back in a private school environment, but there I was. I will be back there for real before I know it.
Instead of going straight home, we decided to stop for pulque! Up into the mountains we went, where the temperature drops about ten degrees and the air feels cleaner and fresher. Down a little dirt road we turned, arriving at the Pulque spot. Allí estuvo el Señor, haciendo sus cosas. Nos sentamos a probar el pulque, y placticamos con el por un buen rato. (There was the owner, doing his things. We sat down together to try the pulque, and talked for a good while). I am writing this small segment in both English and Spanish to share with you a new realization of my own. What I say in Spanish doesn´t quite sound right in English, if I translate it directly, and vice a versa. I have come to a point where I don´t translate my thoughts in my head from English to Spanish so that they come out right. I simply talk from my heart, I have delved a bit deeper into the culture and language, to a point in which I do not need to think about translations anymore. What fun! And if I do think of translations, it just sounds silly in the end. For example, we were driving and the people behind us were obnoxiously impatient. I said, Ten Paciencia!!!, which means, have patience, and then laughed afterwards, realizing how silly it sounded in English. Well not silly, but I guess more proper.
I had a special moment at the Pulque spot too. There, talking with el Señor, I realized how much knowledge he held, about his country, his land, his plants, etc. And I became sad, very sad, thinking about all of the indigenous people, people of color, people who are disregarded in our society, whose knowledge, which to me, has great value, is given no value at all. To society at large, this man is a poor, dark man who works in the fields. To me, he is gold. A pot of gold filled with knowledge, history, customs, stories, etc. I only wish we could all acknowledge this gem more.
6/9/10
Tree Hugs and Composts...
Yesterday we went to Las Huertas. A water/jungle sanctuary that runs along a huge river!!! The space is communically owned, it costs about 5 bucks a person to enter, and once you enter - water oasis!!! There is a huge pool at the top where the water is born, kind of like Las Estacas, and from there cascade waterfalls and multiple pools of water!!! The place is surrounded by hugs trees, whose roots hug the ground and make designs with their long fingers and toes. Mini waterfalls to give you a massage - a natural spa indeed! We spent half the day here, eating, resting, swimming, and playing. I can´t wait to go back, and when I do, I will bring my camera for sure!
This morning I was up by 7am, waiting for Delia to build a new compost with her. Waiting for her, I did yoga amongst the freshly watered plants from the rain last night. Every night about 10pm the wind comes, and from there, the rain. Thunder, lightning, its loud, and a bit scary. But we need the water, and its fun to wake up in the mornings and do a bit of water amongst the damp plants and grass.
By 8-30am we were out digging a huge hole in the back yard. About 1 meter in depth and .5 meters in width. It was a lot of work, but between the three of us, Delia, Dany, and I, it was fun! We took tuns digging and in two hours, whala! A new compost to be exists...It feels to wake up early in the mornings and do something physical. I feel like I am growing stronger. From it all really - sweeping, mopping, cleaning, cooking, working in the garden, starting the temezcal, etc. Days are flying, and I have little time left to go. Many mixed feelings. I am looking forward to going home but also will miss a lot, a lot, about my life here. There are many values and practices that I do intend to take home with me, however.
Anyways, before I begin writing a book, I will leave you here. Until next time.
J
This morning I was up by 7am, waiting for Delia to build a new compost with her. Waiting for her, I did yoga amongst the freshly watered plants from the rain last night. Every night about 10pm the wind comes, and from there, the rain. Thunder, lightning, its loud, and a bit scary. But we need the water, and its fun to wake up in the mornings and do a bit of water amongst the damp plants and grass.
By 8-30am we were out digging a huge hole in the back yard. About 1 meter in depth and .5 meters in width. It was a lot of work, but between the three of us, Delia, Dany, and I, it was fun! We took tuns digging and in two hours, whala! A new compost to be exists...It feels to wake up early in the mornings and do something physical. I feel like I am growing stronger. From it all really - sweeping, mopping, cleaning, cooking, working in the garden, starting the temezcal, etc. Days are flying, and I have little time left to go. Many mixed feelings. I am looking forward to going home but also will miss a lot, a lot, about my life here. There are many values and practices that I do intend to take home with me, however.
Anyways, before I begin writing a book, I will leave you here. Until next time.
J
6/6/10
Lucky me...
Lucky me, is all I can say.
I had a wonderful birthday. Dany and I left for Tepotzlan in the morning, hiked all of the way to the top, met a man at the top who from there took us even higher. We hiked to the highest peak of the whole Tepotzlan!!! Beautiful views, forests, etc.
We ended up hiking back down to the town next door, Tepotzlan, and from there took three buses back to Estela´s house.
Once back at the house, I made my chocolate cakes, and the guests began to arrive!!!
I was showered with flowers, fruit, children, more cake, and wine!
It was a blast - we all ate cake together, and Estela, Delia, and Kimberly began to make mega pizzas in the oven outside! They turned out delicious and everyone had a good time.
Yesterday I travelled two hours to a very small organic farmers market with Dany. There we met Julieta and ate delicious homemade organic goodies...
Two hours back to arrive in time for yoga classes and Temezcal!
Today was the first day I was able to rest in awhile. I cleaned, read, and hung out with Andrea, Jorge, and Dylan. They showered me with hugs all day long! Jenny, Jenny, Jenny, they constantly say. Jenny, look, or Jenny, come play! Jenny, I am going to give you a hug!!! So sweet and I feel so blessed and lucky to have them in my life. The kids here have definitely hit a soft spot in my heart. I really do enjoy their company, their honesty, and wisdom. We had another little yoga sesstion this evening - its fun to see how much the kids enjoy doing yoga, and they are asking me every day when the next class will be.
I only hope to keep giving until I leave. Time is flying and I will be home before I know it.
Until next time.
J
I had a wonderful birthday. Dany and I left for Tepotzlan in the morning, hiked all of the way to the top, met a man at the top who from there took us even higher. We hiked to the highest peak of the whole Tepotzlan!!! Beautiful views, forests, etc.
We ended up hiking back down to the town next door, Tepotzlan, and from there took three buses back to Estela´s house.
Once back at the house, I made my chocolate cakes, and the guests began to arrive!!!
I was showered with flowers, fruit, children, more cake, and wine!
It was a blast - we all ate cake together, and Estela, Delia, and Kimberly began to make mega pizzas in the oven outside! They turned out delicious and everyone had a good time.
Yesterday I travelled two hours to a very small organic farmers market with Dany. There we met Julieta and ate delicious homemade organic goodies...
Two hours back to arrive in time for yoga classes and Temezcal!
Today was the first day I was able to rest in awhile. I cleaned, read, and hung out with Andrea, Jorge, and Dylan. They showered me with hugs all day long! Jenny, Jenny, Jenny, they constantly say. Jenny, look, or Jenny, come play! Jenny, I am going to give you a hug!!! So sweet and I feel so blessed and lucky to have them in my life. The kids here have definitely hit a soft spot in my heart. I really do enjoy their company, their honesty, and wisdom. We had another little yoga sesstion this evening - its fun to see how much the kids enjoy doing yoga, and they are asking me every day when the next class will be.
I only hope to keep giving until I leave. Time is flying and I will be home before I know it.
Until next time.
J
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