Exhaustion

I am tired. Exhausted, really. And it does not hit until I walk through the door when the day is over. And this is when I give thanks to the beautiful warm meal that is waiting for me. For the folded laundry that smells wonderful. My eyes hurt and my head feels heavy. I need space but haven’t figured out how to fit it into my long days. I am done with dinner by 10:30 and I have no energy left. I get into bed and crash until my alarm goes off the next morning.

The house I am now living in is changing with my presence. When I arrived they had been buying all of their tortillas. Now we make them. And the daughter, Karen, who is 14 loves it and makes herself the cutest little tortillas you have ever seen. Graciela, my host mom, still has trouble making them so she leaves it up to us. It’s cute. And she is constantly asking what I like to eat so that I can eat what I like and eat well. And because I do not eat meat, her family is taking a break from meat as well. Both she and her husband hold me that their stomachs feel lighter from not eating so much meat. Wheee! Also, they were drinking huge glasses of milk at night, and with me around, milk is changing into herbal tea. Good habits… We will probably make some granola soon too.

It is important for me to continue to reflect on my experiences at the Orphanage, so here goes…the children are in so much pain. They hurt, they are sad, they are angry, feeling lost without a place or someone to love them. They are aggressive, demanding, sassy, and abusive to one another. They hit, scream, and cry instead of using their words. And when they do begin to cry they have no one to comfort them. They are on their own.

Today I sat watching a two year old sitting on the grass, by himself, crying. And no one came to his rescue. The caretakers could have, but did not, and I realized they cannot because if they rescue one child, they have to rescue all of the others as well, and there are simply too many children and too little rescuers. I am pained inside to think of the emptiness that these children grow up with. Who will they become in the future? What are the odds that they are not abusive, addicts, or estranged and violent to and with the world? They are too young to feel and experience what they feel, but it is a reality. It gives me pain inside. I want to reach out to all of them, but they are almost already out of control. And the control they are given, and control they know, comes in the shape and form of aggressiveness. They are spoken to and taken care of aggressively. They only listen when the command becomes a threat. Again, I don’t mean to be generalizing or assuming, but this is what I have seen (in two days, that is). And maybe my perspective will change.

But it is not easy. Not enough staff, not enough money, not enough healing, caring, and compassionate programs. I want to reach out, to learn how to create true healing communities for children who are lonely and sick in the world, like the children at the conviviencia.

And it pains me even more to see how the majority of the children are a bit deformed, or have special needs. One doesn’t walk right, two are in a wheelchair, more than have have expressionless eyes, as if their souls are already lost to the world. Were they abandoned from their families because they didn’t come out “normal?” I hope not, but one can only question…it hurts and gives me pain inside…and I can only imagine their hurt and pain…..we have lot to pray for.