A Little Bit of Everything....

AAAAH!

I miss home. I am homesick. I am frustrated. Wanting and trying to feel accomlished about my time here. Trying to clarify my role, for myself, and others. Trying to find my own voice and opinions and not let others affect me so. Realizing that as a U.S. citizen, I come from a country whose culture and values does not necessarily match the cultures and values of the country in which I am in. I see perspectives from many angles - my own, Estela´s, Dany´s, her sister´s, her mom´s, the neighbors, my parents, etc. etc. Everyone sees it all a bit differently, everyone has different expectations and opinions. Trying to find my own that is culturally appropriate and respected. So many differences....generational, educational, cultural, geographical, etc. etc.

I have been home more alone lately. Estela is out and busy and Dany has not been here. As good as it is for me to have my own space, it is much easier to feel lonely. I am spending more time with the neighbors, which is always fun, but they have their own lives too. Trying, and wanting, to piece it all together, even though I am not sure I can. Wishing I had a few more friends my age to spend time with. Especially in the evenings, etc. Every mistake is a new lesson learned. Many mistakes here. Many lessons. A lot to learn. Still learning. It is not easy to travel, but important. And not just to travel, but to immerse oneself in another community, culture, home, lifestyle, than their own. Opens our eyes, views, perspectives, passions, inspirations.....erases stereotpyes, judgements...

I am not sure if I miss home or if it is simply that I am missing something here. I think it is a bit of both, because if I was completely content here, I would not be missig home as much. I miss friends, family, company, freedom and time to hike, adventure, go to the beach, summer bbq´s, etc. Soon it will come, but first an intense month ahead of me. Trying to build my strength and energy for it all. Build my wall and focus, my intentions. Because it will all come and go and I don´t want regrets. Lessons learned are good, but regrets, no. Building myself up, my self esteem, self worth, self passion, love, etc. Estela is right, we have no clue how to love ourselves, and depend on others to give us what we think is love. WHAT IS LOVE? And what does it actually feel like to truely love oneself? I think that this is a life lesson, and maybe, just maybe, one day I will be lucky enough to find out.

It feels good to right. I have a lot to express. I have heard many stories, of neighbors, their families, and friends. Life is not easy here. These people life through sooooo many hardships, yet carry on with their every day lives. They all work so damn hard, and earn so little. Just enough to feed their families well. There is usually very little left over. Tragedies....deaths, suicides, sickness, freak accidents....these people have experienced it all, and sometimes their faces tell, but sometimes not. They carry on, with smiles in their hearts and a willingness to open their homes and share with others.

Yesterday, as I was home alone all day long, I was invited to two different households to eat. Everyone knows when Estela is around and when she is not, and we all watch out for one another.

Angelica is 21 years old and her mom is pressuring her to marry. She is not ready, but feels many social pressres. I can hardly imagine.

I am spitting out random thoughts now, but this is reality, this is truth here. If only we could all listen to others a bit more instead of being so incredibly preoccupied with our own lives. I wonder what that would look like...How, and in which ways, the world would shift. I am willing and ready to start, are you?