Hurt

Life, the truth, can be bien duro. Hard. And hurtful. Inside, the type of hurt that presses against your chest so that you feel like you can´t breathe properly. The type of hurt that is just there, close to your heart, and there it lays, until it decides to fly away.

It twas this hurt that came to me today. No one hurt me, necessarily, but I felt the hurt of others. We all have two sides, Estela tells me, one positive side that we all wish to nourish and one negative that we fear. Very similar to Buddist philosophy...And we all aim to portray our positive side to others. But the negative side exists. And it can come out at any time of the day, and for this we must be careful. My grandmother, for example, as I always knew her, was one of the happiest people I had ever met, full of life and adventure. One day that all changed, however. A certain wind had hit her in which froze her soul. She had no more will to enjoy the world like she once had. And así she left the world.

It is learning how to feed our nourished sides that we must challenge ourselves to do. It may be risky, but as Estela tells me day in and day out, one gains nothing without risk. We talked for hours this afternoon, one thing after another. About values, people, stories, life changes, challenges, sickness, risk, self-esteem and how society kills it, etc. etc.

I learned that I am being pulled by someone that I have come to love very much, and must learn to stand my ground grow my roots, so that our friendship can continue but that I too can stand by her side without being pulled. So that we can support and push eachother to our limits, but without pulling one person one way or another.

It is hard for me to collect my thoughts, energies, reflections, of all we talked about, maybe some more will come later, but for now I need to at least jot some of it down.

Tears, a lot of tears today. Tears for myself, but more importantly others. Yes, its hard, and hurtful, Estela assures me, but it is important we feel it, identify it, and learn to navigate it so that a part of it does not get stuck in a mud hole.

Yes, many of us are sick, have been abandoned, and are in need of love and care. It wll be my role when the students from Pitzer arrive here to document everything, so tht what is taught, which will be a curriculum unfound in a University setting, can be passed on to others, again and again and again. I am excited and scared. I think it will be very powerful and could potentially have significant effects on others. In all of the right ways...

Estela can be agressive, tough, and strict. When she was talking to me today her eyes were like stones. I could not read into them, could not see past them. My heart felt wide open with my tears pouring out, but with her eyes sealed shut, I could only listen, intently, and learn.

It is time for me to get to know myself so that I can help othrs to know themelves and then, then, we together can begin to to wonderful things for the world, our families, friends, enemies, communities, neighbors, etc. So that one day...we can relearn how to learn.